Life as a Single Desi - Torn Between Two Worlds

There was a time growing up when I was the shining example my Mausis, Mamis, and Bhuas would hold up to their children.  Despite growing up overseas, I was always fairly traditional.  We spoke Hindi at home and I had learned to read and write it as well.  I dressed conservatively and always respected my elders.  There is a story my mother still recites so proudly to her friends from when I was in third grade and we went to visit some relatives while in Calcutta.  One of my cousins asked "Aap konsi class mein ho?" ("What grade are you in?") and I responded in hindi, "Teesri mein".  My cousin was floored.  He said no Indian child would actually ever respond in Hindi but would s rather ay proudly, "I'm in third grade".

But over the last few years, the luster seems to have dulled on my good-apple exterior.  You see, I'm over thirty and yet unmarried - unheard of and very very disturbing to my whole family.  As far as they're concerned, it's as if I've gone over to the dark side.  My mother is convinced it's her fault and she's a failure as a mother and woman because she has not married me off yet.  My father doesn't say it but is similarly dismayed.  And my grandparents....I think I'm causing them physical pain.  A great feeling, let me tell you, to know you're a source of pain and suffering for those you love.

It's not like I deliberately set out to torture them.  But I always felt torn between two realities.  Although my parents are quite progressive in many ways, when it came to boys they were always pretty traditional.  I still remember a classmate calling me when I was in high school on a weekend, probably to ask about a homework assignment...only I'll never know because my dad gave him such a scare he never called back.  Similar story on my first day of college orientation.  And even during college, anytime I mentioned a male friend's name in perfectly innocent terms on the phone to my parents, I could tell there was some consternation on the other end of the line.

The problem with being an overall good kid is that you always want to please your parents.  So is it any surprise that I never dated?  I came up with a hundred excuses anytime someone asked - "oh it would be a bad idea because we live in the same dorm", or "oh well you're graduating this year so what would be the point".  I even recall a friend, fellow desi (probably my parent's dream son-in-law), who I was very attracted to who was similarly attracted to me.  My excuse that time?  Well another friend of ours had a crush on him so I couldn't date him...of course not!  Forget that this mutual friend had a crush a week and he was the just the flavour of the moment!  It was a perfect excuse.

After all, a good, typical Indian girl does NOT date!  So how could I?  Except I wasn't exactly a typical Indian girl either.  A typical arranged marriage, which is how my cousins all found their husbands, wasn't really an option for me.  We were just advanced enough of a family and just removed enough from India that we knew it wouldn't work in so many ways.  Plus, given how much I had invested in my career, marrying someone who would expect me to stay home and cook and raise kids seemed like I would be betraying myself and my parents.

So...I couldn't date and I couldn't get married the way the rest of my family did.  Nothing new there...after all, this is the typical second generation immigrant conundrum: being caught between two very different worlds - those of your parents and those of your peers.  Is it any wonder I'm still single?

Yet it's still difficult for my family to understand.  My parents just want me to find someone, they don't care how.  I think at this point, they'd be fine with anyone I brought home as long as he had a Y chromosome somewhere in his body...they'd throw him a parade.  My extended family is equally frustrated and can't understand why the myriad of boys they've given my contact information to won't suffice?  How do I explain that I'm stuck between wanting a little bit of both worlds?

Yes, I want a husband and kids and all that...I want to make my parents happy (see how selfless I am?) and fulfill my grandfather's dream of going to my wedding.  I want to have children and raise them and be a good wife and mother.  I want to have grandkids someday and spoil them silly.

But it's not enough to be married for the sake of getting married...I want to marry someone I actually want to grow old with.  I'm enough of a traditional desi to believe that love grows and that it can be nurtured and cultivated as millions of arranged marriages have shown.  I believe that love is a decision, a choice, and yes, even a compromise.  You have to be willing to give up a little of yourself.

But shouldn't that be a mutual decision borne out of some understanding, some connection?  I don't mean love-at-first-sight, butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of connection (although I wouldn't object to that).  But at minimum a desire to pick up the phone and call the other person when something good or bad happens in your day....a tiny bit of desperation to see them and spend time with them every once in a while...is that asking too much?

I haven't completely given up hope of finding someone who meets those two criteria...but, to be honest, I recognize that it may never happen and I'm ok with that.  Because as much as it hurts me to see my family suffer, I know that I'd rather be alone than in a lonely relationship for the rest of my life...